


Weep Not For The Memories

by PalBuddyBucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Amnesia, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Friends to Lovers, Identity Issues, M/M, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Rescue, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-08-14 07:10:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8003194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PalBuddyBucky/pseuds/PalBuddyBucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Who the hell is Steve?” he demands.</p><p>No one answers. </p><p>The man on his right begins speaking with a thick accent. “It shouldn't be permanent. Perhaps, something to trigger the memories, then-”</p><p> </p><p>OR, the AU where the serum also causes Steve to lose his memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There's growing, aching pain spreading throughout his whole body, he knows he's never felt anything like this before, never this much blinding pain surging through him. He knows he’s screaming, he's-

The pain stops. Everything is still, then he hears a mechanical click and a hiss and suddenly it's bright, too bright. He tilts his head and closes his eyes, chest heaving. 

He listens, and he notices the hum of voices and the sounds of rushing footstep surrounding him. He forces himself to open his eyes and sit up a bit. It's brighter, and louder, and everything is more. He doesn't know what he's comparing to.

Some men help him down. A woman rushes to stand in front of him. She’s pretty. Military. She reaches out towards him briefly, but doesn't make contact.

“How do you feel?” she asks him. When he doesn't answer, she prompts, “Steve?”

Is she- who are these people? What have they…? 

“Who the hell is Steve?” he demands.

No one answers. 

The man on his right begins speaking with a thick accent. “It shouldn't be permanent. Perhaps, something to trigger the memories, then-” and then the gunshot rings out.

☆☆☆

He is called Captain America, and he is the USO’s.

Some of them call him Captain Rogers. He learns to respond to that too, soon enough. The woman, Peggy, often calls him Steve. He doesn't understand why, and that one is harder to remember to respond to.

She tells him his name is Steven Rogers. She is incorrect, he is Captain America; he assumes her ranking just isn't high enough for that information. Maybe it's classified. Maybe Steven Rogers is his alias. Maybe. Why doesn't he remember?

She has an answer for that too. He's not sure this answer is any more reliable, and it's even harder to believe.

She says he was from Brooklyn, and that he volunteered for an experiment, which made him forget. It also made him bigger and stronger and faster and healthier. He used to be small and weak. Somehow, this resonates as _true_ to the Captain. Whatever else she gets wrong, he knows she's right about this. 

Over time, she tells him more, but it's obvious she doesn't know much herself. His mother raised him alone until she died from tuberculosis. He had a friend (she never says Steve wasn't popular, but her use of ‘friend’, always in the singular, is a bit of a give away.) His friend’s name was Bucky, and he is in the army. 

She says Steve had told her that Bucky was charming, a real looker, that he was the bravest but also the stupidest person Steve had ever met. 

Steve thinks, privately, that it's a shame he doesn't remember the guy. He thinks he likes the sound of him.

☆☆☆

Peggy shows Steve his file. It has a picture of him; thin, crooked, sickly, weak. Steve doesn't exactly remember it, but he gets a sudden flash of the thought of shivering and wheezing and struggling to live. 

He may not have most of his memories, but maybe they're not worth remembering.

☆☆☆

Peggy seems angry. She's storming on about how they're “wasting you, Steve, you might not remember it but you would have wanted to be out there fighting, not selling bonds, for heave-”.

He thinks this might be another thing she's wrong about, but of course he doesn't voice that. _Why would he want to be fighting, if that wasn't what the USO wanted?_

He reminds her that he is the USO’s, and she shakes her head but says no more. He thinks he sees pity in her eyes, and he can’t stand it.

☆☆☆

The whole tour, the Captain can’t forget what Peggy had said. He doesn't know what her Steve would have wanted to be doing, and frankly he doesn't care, but.

 _I don't want to fight, I follow the orders of the USO_ , he thinks to himself as the rain pours around him. He doesn't want to fight, he wants to encourage people like the USO tells him too, he and the girls will cheer up the soldiers, like today's 107th, he doesn't want to fight-

That's another thing his bones know is wrong. 

He needs to find Peggy.

☆☆☆ 

“I want to fight.” he tells her.

She smiled, all red lips and perfect teeth. “Welcome back.”

He's not sure what she means.

☆☆☆

The rescue is his idea. Peggy isn't surprised. Howard is, but he still flies the plane.

They say they're gonna give him ride out of there. They both believe he's going to succeed. So does the Captain. He doesn't know any other reality.

It feels like finally being able to stretch his legs as he takes down guard after guard. This is what he should be doing, and he knows it.

☆☆☆

He tells the soldiers he's rescuing that he's socked Hitler in the jaw over 200 times. He doesn't stick around for them to question, _well then why haven't we won the war yet._

They tell him there's one more, a Sergeant Barnes, and The Captain goes looking for him too.

The Captain finds him strapped to a table, mumbling James Barnes, Sargent, 5377832, over and over. He only stops when the Captain leans over him.

"Steve?" Sergeant Barnes asks, looking up at him.

The Captain freezes momentarily, before he continues unstrapping the man from the table. He must be from the Captain’s past. He must know Peggy. Maybe he knew Bucky, but that's not important now.

"I thought you were smaller." Barnes says. The Captain looks at him, finally, and neither of them say anything for a beat before he groans "God, Steve, what the fuck have you done?"

There's a jolt that the Captain feels, like this is familiar, like he's heard that same line from that same voice so many times before, and it makes him shiver. But the Captain doesn't know what Steve had done, and he really hopes people will stop asking him.

He’s hauling the weak soldier, but despite that they're moving quickly. “What happened to you?” Barnes asks.

“I joined the Army.” is the only explanation the Captain can offer. He doesn't know if it's enough.

☆☆☆

The Captain can see why Barnes would make such an excellent soldier. 

He's loyal, refusing to leave the Captain behind although he would have undoubtedly found another exit. Perhaps the man didn't know this, though. Perhaps it was just habit.

☆☆☆

When they're marching, the men look to the Captain for orders. Barnes seems to be looking at him for something else, but the Captain doesn't know what.

It's when they take a rest, to tend to the wounded as best as they can, that he starts to form an idea.

“Steve?” Barnes asks. The Captain ducks his head and shoulders his way through a few men to put some distance between the two of them. He's not sure why he's avoiding Barnes, and it turns out he's not doing a good job of it.

Barnes, standing behind him, grabs his shoulder and spins him around. His body language isn't threatening, but the Captain still falls into a fighting stance. Barnes frowns at him, and huffs out a mumble about how he's “Still Steve, then.” 

The Captain allows Barnes to grab his arm and drag him over to a clearing away from the rest of the men. When they get there, Barnes rounds on him but suddenly seems at a loss for words.

“Why are we here?” the Captain finally asks him. 

“For God's sake,” Barnes sighs and scrubs his hand down his face. It only serves to smear the blood and the grime. “You think I'd fucking undermine you in front of your men?”

The Captain thinks about it and no, he finds, he doesn't expect that from Barnes. But he doesn't respond.

Barnes’ anger seems to be growing, and he repeats his earlier question “What the fuck have you done?"

He's formulating a response, trying to tell Barnes all at once I don't know and stop asking me and can you tell me?

Barnes’ eyes are sweeping over him, and his gaze latches on to a deep scratch on his neck. It doesn't hurt much, and the Captain can already feel the numbness which means that his flesh is knitting itself back together.

He can feel Barnes watching his skin heal itself, and for some reason he feels ashamed, like he needs to hide this part of himself. He feels too tall and too wide and too much and he doesn't understand why, but he thinks the confusion and fright on Barnes’ face might have something to do with it.

But there's also something else dawning there too, and the anger seems to seep out of Barnes as fast as it appeared. He sits down on the muddy ground, resting his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his hands.

The Captain hesitantly sits down beside him. Barnes doesn't acknowledge him, except to whisper “Where’s my Steve?”

A question the Captain can answer. “ I don't know.”

Barnes looks up at him again. “What do you know?”

The truthful answer is not much, and it's all the Captain has to offer. “I'm Captain America.” 

Barnes doesn't say anything, so the Captain continues. “I'm-” He doesn't know what else. “You're Sergeant James Barnes. 107th.” 

Barnes’ face is showing so much conflict it might as well be showing nothing at all. “You're Steven Grant Rogers,” he says, slowly, and it sounds like he's choking back panic. “and I'm James Buchanan Barnes. I usually go by Bucky.” 

And _oh_ , the Captain thinks, _oh_. That explains a lot.

☆☆☆

Colonel Phillips refuses the Captain disciplinary action once they return. Peggy complains that he is late. Sergeant Barnes - Steve’s Bucky - leads a cheer.

The mission was, all in all, a success.

The men who were already at camp start helping their returned friends, the medical team start seeing to the injured, so the Captain tries to duck away. He needs a moment.

Barnes being his Bucky shouldn't complicate things. Of course, Barnes will expect things that the Captain just can't deliver, but they can adjust. Peggy managed.

The Captain can see them working well together in the future, should the opportunity arise. He should ask Peggy to speak to Barnes. She might be able to help him. With that in mind, the Captain turns back to find her.

☆☆☆

“Are you ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?” the Captain asks, teasing Bucky a little. 

“Hell no,” Bucky says without looking at him. “But the little guy from Brooklyn, who was too dumb not to run away from a fight? I’m following him.”

The Captain grins. He's starting to get an idea of who Barnes is talking about.

☆☆☆

Bucky grins like the devil when Steve tells the other Commandos to call him ‘Rogers’. 

“Knew you’d be back.” He tells him later that night, while they’re on watch together. 

“I’m still,” Steve gestures to himself, indicating his build. “That’s not gonna change.”

“And it hardly matters.” Bucky tells him. “What’s in here,” tapping Steve on his chest. “that's always been the same. Memories or no memories. Now what’s up here,” he moves to tap gently on Steve’s skull. “that’s never been anything to write home about, anyway, so…”

Steve has to stuffle a laugh. “You’re such a jerk.” he whispers.

Bucky grins again. “Punk.”

They’re silent for a while, and then Steve says, “You know, I still don't remember everything.”

“I know.” Bucky tells him. “I don’t think you’ve remembered your sister yet, have you?”

“Oh shut up,” Steve laughs, and Bucky joins him. “I don’t have a sister.” There’s a pause, and then- “Did we have a cat?”

“Sorta.” Bucky said, shifting around to get more comfortable on the ground. “It was the neighbour’s, but you practically adopted it as your own. Complete demon, let me tell you.”

“It wasn’t that bad.” Steve says. He doesn't actually know for sure, but he does know Bucky.

“No, no, trust me, it was. Do you remember that time whe-” 

☆☆☆

“Remember when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?” Bucky asks him. He still asks, but there's no surprise anymore when Steve’s answer is a ‘yes’.

“Yeah,” Steve replies. “And I threw up?” He'll laugh, and insist it isn't payback, but he thinks Bucky wouldn't mind much if it was.

They share a look, then Steve jumps. Bucky follows.

☆☆☆

“Bucky!” Steve yells as he climbs along the side of the train. “Hold on! Grab my hand!” He's so close, can almost reach him, when-

The sound of wrenching metal fills Steve’s ears, but it's soon replaced with Bucky’s screams as he plummets down. Steve can do nothing but watch as within seconds he disappears from sight. 

Steve rests his head against the train, sobbing. He contemplates whether he should return the favour, and follow Bucky one last time.

☆☆☆

“All we can do is our best,” Peggy will tell him, years later, “and sometimes the best we can do is start over.”

Even with all his memories, Steve doesn't think he knows how to do that.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve wonders, if he hadn't regained his memories, would he have recognized Bucky.

He might have, eventually; even after he received the serum they spent over a year together. He likes to think he would, he'd figure it out, the pieces would fall together, though it might take a bit longer. And that bit longer was time they didn't have.

It's not a problem he should waste time worrying about. He had his memories back, he had recognized Bucky. Even before his mask had fallen off, Steve has a the niggling feeling that _something wasn't right, there was something he should know._ He was a soldier, he was Captain America, he knew he shouldn't be relying on a _feeling._ Then he'd think back to the time when he'd had no memories in his head except for the past few days and yet he'd know something as _true,_ without a doubt, and he's more willing to believe his instincts.

He never thought too much about how it must have been for Bucky, to have your friend remember nothing of himself (or of you). Steve was fighting a war; he didn't spend the time imagining how Bucky must have felt when he was rescued by a Steve that was almost a foot taller and stared at him with an unfamiliar gaze and could only offer him “I joined the army.” 

Then he sees Bucky, wild and dangerous and with a metal arm and demanding “Who the hell is Bucky?” and he starts to get an inkling.

☆☆☆

When they're with Fury, planning, plotting, he doesn't think. Only when they have a moment, when they have to wait, and the _irony_ catches up with him, does he start to laugh. Or sob, he's not sure. He thinks Bucky would be laughing, too, teasing him with “What, you thought I was gonna let you have all the memory-loosin’ fun? You thought I was gonna let you have the future all to yourself? Don't be so selfish, punk.” He laughs harder, and he sees the look Sam and Nat exchange. 

He doesn't care. Bucky's here, he has Bucky again, and he's not going to rest until Bucky's safe and remembers everything, down to the ugly brown of the walls in their first apartment.

Sam says something about “not the kind you save,” but Steve pays no mind. Bucky will remember, just like he did.

Nat shakes her head when he says as much. “There's a difference between your brain cells adjusting to the serum after a few years, Steve, and decades of having your memories rewritten.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” He asks her, helplessly. “He's my friend, he'd do the same for me.” 

She doesn't say anything more. He thinks she'll help, though. She understands the importance of the family you choose.

☆☆☆

He's on the Helicarrier, and Bucky's there too. 

“You've known me your whole life.” Steve tells him, through the blood in his mouth. “Your name is James Buchanan Barnes.” he says, like Bucky had told him all those years ago (just a few years ago). 

Sam's doubts echo in the back of his mind, _he's the kind you stop,_ and Steve shoves them away, even as Bucky knocks him down again. Steve knows the looks in Bucky's eyes, the confusion, the feeling of a missing memory. 

“I'm not gonna fight you,” he says, after tearing off his cowl. He watches Bucky, swaying, panting, uncertain. “You're my friend.” 

He believes it, even as Bucky tackles him down. “You're my mission,” Bucky hisses. Steve thinks he hears him repeating it, raising his arm again and again to bloody Steve's face. It's the second sentence he's heard Bucky say in years (decades).

Steve tells him to finish it. If he's the kind you stop, Steve won't be the one to stop him. “‘cause I'm with you to the end of the line.” he mumbles, slurring through the pain. 

Bucky, arm raised for another swing, fumbles. He draws his fist back again, but then Steve stops watching his fist, instead catching his gaze. 

He watches as everything floods Bucky's eyes: more confusion, recognition, pain, and it's all drowned out by the absolute _horror._

There's a crash, Steve's falling; it's the last time he sees Bucky for months.

☆☆☆

He doesn't give up, of course. Nat helps, when she can, but she's busy with what's left of SHIELD. Sam helps, an incredible amount. Even Tony offers them his resources.

Bucky just won't be found. 

“It's probably a good thing,” Nat tries to convince him. “We would know if he was on missions. He's not. He's probably laying low, trying to figure out who he is.” 

“I could help him with that,” Steve says, though there's not much sense in telling her. “He recognized me, I know it.” 

She looks doubtful, but she doesn't argue. The Soldier pulled him from the Potomac, for one reason or another.

☆☆☆

It's largely due to Sam that Steve doesn't spend all his time looking for Bucky. He's relentless, for the longest time, following leads when there are some and punching things when there aren't. 

Sam keeps him in check, makes him take care of himself, ensures he doesn't fall out of communication with the others. 

“He can come to you,” Sam tells him, again and again. “You're an easily located public figure. He knows where to find you.” Steve knows he's right. “From what you've told me of Barnes, he wouldn't want you to lose the people you have now.” Eventually, Steve starts to believe him. 

He's glad he did, in the end. There's Ultron, and then there's the new Avengers, and it's something to do. Then there's Lagos, and the Accords, and the bombing, and somehow this thing that is so much bigger than either of them causes Steve to hear Bucky's name more times in one day than he has in years.

☆☆☆

They catch up to him, after all this searching, in a little apartment he's been living in for months. 

Bucky tells him that he's Steve, tells him he read about him in a museum. Steve would have believed him, if he hadn't just flipped through the pages of Bucky's notebook, seen the jotting down of thoughts like _rescued ~~Barnes~~ ~~Me~~ Barnes in Nov ‘43_ and a bullet list including things like _Sarah and Joseph, Irish, Brooklyn, ~~his mind got wiped?~~ he lost his memories_

“You're lying” Steve tells him, and he doesn't think about what a risk that was until the moment is long passes. 

Bucky says he doesn't know why he pulled him from the river, and Steve doesn't mention what he'd seen in his eyes right before he fell.

☆☆☆

Steve comes rushing in the moment Sam calls him. Bucky tells him about Sarah, and about stuffing his shoes, and Steve's ready to believe that finally, he's getting his Bucky back. 

Then Bucky asks what he did, as if he's scared to hear the answer, and Steve knows for sure.

☆☆☆

It's long ride before the three of them get to the airport. Bucky doesn't say much, then, except to grumble at Sam.

The flight to Siberia is shorter, but not by much.

Bucky worries about Steve's friends. He worries he's not worth all the effort. Steve hopes that someday, he'll remember that he is.

☆☆☆

Later, Steve will tell Tony that the Avengers are more his family than Steve's. He'll tell him he's been on his own since he was 18.

It's not true, and he knows it. He thinks Tony knows it. And Bucky, Bucky is starting to know it again.

He tells Tony that all any of them can do is what they believe is right. He hopes Tony knows he's being truthful about that part, at least.

☆☆☆

“Buck,” Steve says, while they sit together. They've spent most of the last few weeks together in Wakanda. Almost all the triggers are out now, but Bucky still clings to Steve although he no longer needs him to ensure that Bucky couldn't hurt any more people. 

“Hey, Buck,” Steve says again, combing his hand through his Bucky's hair where he rests his head on Steve's lap.

Bucky opens one eye and stares up at him. “I was sleeping.” He complains.

“Not true,” Steve says, teasing. “I didn't hear any ground-shaking snores.” 

Bucky snorts, and reaches up with his one arm to poke Steve in the ribs. “Lies, all lies. Don't slander me, Steve.” 

Steve just grins down at him. After a moment, he says “Hey, Buck?” again.

Bucky raises his eyebrows inquisitively.

Steve hesitates, before asking quietly, “Tell me something you remember?” 

Bucky just stares at him, for a moment, before closing his eyes again. He's silent for a few seconds, and then he says “I remember… I remember, once, we got caught talking during class, and you got in trouble, because you were always in trouble, never stopped mouthing off. Me though, I got off scot free, ‘cause I was the only one who ever payed attention in science class and Miss Wendell loved me.” He smiles up at Steve. “How's that?”

Steve smiles, still stroking Bucky's hair. “That's a good memory.” He says. 

Bucky laughs, a little. “Yeah, I know. Come on,” he says, and nudges his head against Steve's hand. “Your turn.”

Steve settles back, and thinks. “You know, I remember, when us and the rest of the guys were invading that bunker. The one just past the Italian border, remember, and-”

And so they continue. They keep up the habit, asking for something the other remembers long after they stop needing the comfort they draw from it quite so desperately. Their memories aren't always happy ones, or important ones, or ones they want to dwell on. Their memories aren't always about each other, or people they both know, or things they both experienced, but it doesn't matter, in the end. They remember themselves. They remember each other. When things go to shit, as they tend to do, they remind each other of what they're fighting for. They remind each other of the good in the world. 

They remind each other that they're gonna be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr @foundanotherfeeling


End file.
